Two months ago, John came to Seoul and I saw him at church. We also had dinner together one other time. I saw him at least two times during the trip but didn't see Jack despite John hanging out with him a couple of times. When I first met Jack, I asked him if he wanted to hang out with him a couple of times, but he said he was busy, so I never pursued the friendship seriously. In total, I've only hung out with Jack once in the 6-7 years that I've known him. We had been Facebook friends and that was the extent of it. On the other hand, John and I are good friends, hang out often, and even send text messages to each other when he's in Philly and I'm in Seoul.
Three years ago, Jack called me and asked me for help about something. I believe that I helped him, but I can't remember exactly. Since then, Jack might "like" a post here and there on Facebook and I do the same. Just recently I "liked" his profile picture of him, his wife, and his daughter. (Sidenote: I've never met his wife or his daughter).
Two days ago, Jack called me at 3:30pm on a Wednesday, but I was taking a nap between my morning and evening shifts at work. I thought to myself, "He must need help with something. What other reason would he call me?" He called again at 5:30pm. However, I didn't realize it since I was walking to my workplace. When I got to my workplace, I texted him and said "What's up Jack? I was taking a nap and missed your first call and now I'm at work." He responds, "I see. I was thinking that (sic) moving to US to become a UMC pastor. I need to write a cover letter and get a script of 20 min (sic) sermon that is simple and powerful. If I send my resume, can you write a cover letter for me? If you can't, it is okay. But I ask you to pray for that."
I shook my head in disbelief. I really don't understand people like that. I barely know this guy, we've hung out once with my friend John, and don't know his wife. How can a very distant acquaintance ask for such a huge favor? He's also going to the US, so I'll probably never ever see him once he leaves. And he had the audacity to call me a second time an hour later after I missed the first call. Am I supposed to just answer just because he's my friend's friend? He can't actually think that we are good friends or does he? What I'm guessing is that because I'm a nice guy, he figured I would be there no matter what.
Then a thought came to my mind. This is common in Korean culture. I have a Korean friend who lives in Australia. The only time he contacts me is when he needs help with his resume or cover letter. Recently he contacted me and I figured that he needed help again. Sure enough. He was worried because an American female friend that we mutually know from church was annoyed with him. Apparently she was ignoring his text messages and he called to find out why. They used to have a language exchange together and we all used to hang out together after church and have coffee. I told him that the reason she is ignoring his texts is that maybe he only contacted her when he needed help. He said it was common in Korean culture to help a friend in need at any time. I said that in Western culture if you don't contact friends just to see how they're doing and only contact them when you need something, it's a fake friendship. He seemed surprised when I told him that.
Yet this is also common in wedding culture in Korea. I remember getting a wedding invitation from a friend that I hadn't heard from in three years. I also recall getting an invitation from a student that I had only taught twice. I've also gotten invitations from Korean friends and then after I attend their wedding, I never hear from them again. The goal of many Korean weddings is to get as many people as you can to your wedding to make up for the cost that you put into the wedding. That's a shallow concept and I don't get how relationships can be taken so lightly in Korean culture. That seems to be fairly common in Korea especially because the work culture is so intense. They don't have time to hang out with their friends and once they get married, friendships are put on the back burner.
Many of my friends aren't Korean for this reason. I'm an introvert, so I only treasure friends that I know are going to be reliable and trustworthy. To add to that, I'm getting older. When I first got a Facebook account, I added many people to my friend's list. Now I'm pretty happy to have weeded out people that I can't even call an acquaintance or people that used to be friends but don't keep in touch with me any more. My goal in 2019 is to send more texts or make more phone calls to my real friends and worry less about people that won't be there for me.
Many of my friends aren't Korean for this reason. I'm an introvert, so I only treasure friends that I know are going to be reliable and trustworthy. To add to that, I'm getting older. When I first got a Facebook account, I added many people to my friend's list. Now I'm pretty happy to have weeded out people that I can't even call an acquaintance or people that used to be friends but don't keep in touch with me any more. My goal in 2019 is to send more texts or make more phone calls to my real friends and worry less about people that won't be there for me.
Scott Worden (The L.A./Seoul Guy)
Instagram: l.a.seoulguy
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