Last week I taught an older Japanese student, by the name of Hoji, who has a Korean wife. We had a very interesting conversation about how we view Korean culture. There is one thing that he could never understand that I also wish happened more often in Korea: Smiling at strangers.
Hoji admittedly told me that he has no problem smiling at anyone he meets on the street. He said that it was common in Japanese culture to smile at people on the street. This was new to me since I never realized that in big cities like Tokyo or Osaka. However, I do remember people smiling as I walked into a restaurant or store. He felt as if Koreans were a bit cold in that regard.
The topic of the class was shopping and experiences in a store. One of the questions was related to having a bad experience in a store. Hoji told me that although he can't remember a specific time in a store, he did recall a negative experience in a Korean restaurant. One time an older woman ("ajumma") server was really rude to him. He asked for more side dishes (which is common to ask for in Korea) and she gave him a dirty look. He didn't understand why she was so mean to him. I told him that I had a similar experience twice. I had gone to two Korean restaurants often in my local area before I got married. Yet the older women never treated me as if I was a frequent customer. I got average to poor service most of the time. And of course they didn't smile.
Then Hoji told me his wife's perspective on smiling to strangers. She told him, "Stop smiling at everyone! People are going to think that you're weird or a pervert especially if you smile at a young girl." We both laughed as he explained how his wife viewed his constant smiling.
I explained to Hoji that a similar culture is in Russia. I had a Russian friend tell me that if you smile at a stranger, that person might think that you're up to no good. My wife (who is a Korean Chinese person from Yanji, China) said the same thing. If someone smiles in China, most people might figure the person smiling is going to scam them or try to get them to buy something. That actually makes sense since the only time that strangers were friendly to me in China were for the wrong reasons. Two people tried to drag me into an art gallery in Beijing to buy fake artwork after pretending to be friendly and wanting to get to know a non-Chinese foreigner. Also, on two occasions in Shanghai, a couple or group of three young people tried to take me to a "tea ceremony" to pay for overpriced tea after pretending to befriend me.
But there's also another reason why people in China or South Korea don't smile and that comes down to Confucianism. Confucianism has a hierarchy system. The husband, older person, or boss is on the higher end of that list. Strangers are at the bottom. In fact, they don't even count. It's an "us" vs. "them" mentality as mentioned by another blogger by the name of Mike. He's a Westerner living in China and he will give you the run down of how Confucianism works in China and how it relates to how Chinese people never smile to strangers. You can find his post here.
There are some things that I miss about American culture and that is one of them. I don't want to have to ignore strangers on a street. I miss saying hello and having small talk with people I don't know. The last time I was in California I experienced "reverse culture shock". I was at a salad bar at a pizza parlor and out of the blue I hear a woman say to me "Doesn't that soup look good?" I almost didn't know how to react since I've lived in Asia for awhile. So it finally clicked and I said, "Um yeah it does look good!"
It has become too common to have a straight face as I commute to work and back in Seoul. I'm trying to keep myself aware that it is indeed okay to smile at strangers. Since I'm not Asian, I do have that advantage since they'll just think I'm being friendly because I'm a foreigner. I can use my "smiling foreigner card" any time that I like!
Scott Worden (The L.A./Seoul Guy)
Instagram: l.a.seoulguy
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